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How Can I Get My Employee to Stop Condescending to Me?
I’m worried I’m going to snap at him.
EXPERT OPINION BY ALISON GREEN, INC.COM COLUMNIST @ASKAMANAGER
Photo: Getty Images
Inc.com columnist Alison Green answers questions about workplace and management issues—everything from how to deal with a micromanaging boss to how to talk to someone on your team about body odor.
A reader asks:
I hired a promising junior employee who seemed polite and reasonable during his interview. However, now that he is my employee, he constantly condescends to me and says things that come across in a belittling way. Here are some examples:
Me: “Bob, I was going to train you on how to do X today.”
Bob, with a dismissive laugh: “Yeah, I was wondering when you were going to get to that.”
Me: “Bob, has anyone shown you how to do Y yet?”
Bob, with a dismissive laugh and a shrug: “How hard can it be?”
Me: “I just noticed an issue with the X documentation and wanted to make sure I corrected that so you have the right information.”
Bob, with a dismissive laugh: “Yeah, I was wondering what you meant by that.”
With everything he says, it feels like he’s trying to be smarter than me, or one step ahead of me. And he’ll always act like this stuff is easy and he’s the expert, but when he has to actually do it for the first time, he needs all the help he can get.
It has been all I can do to contain my irritation, and I have started to respond by becoming irritable, which I know is not excusable. Recently, he gave me the “I was wondering when you were going to get to that” treatment, and I snapped back, “I can’t download my entire brain to you in one sitting!” He laughed, as though it was a big joke, but I felt terrible because I knew I had spoken in anger. I didn’t apologize, though.
I don’t think I can fire him over such a small thing, and I’m not sure it’s fair to nitpick someone’s personality just because it’s not compatible with mine. It’s not really a performance issue, because for the most part, he’s doing fine.
It’s possible he’s feeling insecure, but the way he’s expressing it is just not OK to me. Do you have any advice for this kind of conflict?
Green responds:
This isn’t about nitpicking his personality! It’s about professional communication at work. That’s very much in your purview to address, and addressing it would be in his best interests — because what he’s doing sounds incredibly irritating and is bound to rub future managers and colleagues the wrong way.
It’s possible you’ll need a separate, sit-down conversation with him about this, but you might be able to solve it by responding differently in the moment each time he makes one of these comments. When he lets one of these patronizing comments fly, let yourself have a natural reaction of confusion or concern and ask him to explain what he means. For example:
You: “Bob, I was going to train you on X today.”
Bob, with a dismissive laugh: “Yeah, I was wondering when you were going to get to that.”
You, with a confused look: “What do you mean?”
Bob: “Well, it’s taken long enough!”
You: “I’m purposefully pacing out what you learn when, because different needs come up at different parts of our project cycle and I need to ensure you’ve learned the first pieces before we move on. Do you have a specific concern about the schedule I’m training you on?”
You: “Has anyone shown you how to do Y yet?”
Bob: “How hard can it be?”
You (visibly taken aback): “Whoa. That’s a surprising comment. What do you mean by that?”
Bob: “Well, I’m sure I can figure it out on my own.”
You: “No, we have a specific way of doing it because (reasons). When you make comments like that, you come across as cavalier about our processes, which really concerns me.”
You can also use one of these incidents to address the larger picture and respond in a serious tone: “Let’s pause here. What you just said is an example of something that concerns me about how you’re communicating in this job. You make a lot of joking comments that sound as if you feel you’re already an expert and don’t need guidance. It comes across strangely, because anyone in your position should expect to need guidance. I’m sure you don’t intend to be condescending or disrespectful, so I wanted to let you know so that you can stop doing it.”
And from there, if it keeps happening, you can pause in the moment and say, “This is the sort of thing we talked about. Can you say that a different way?”
For what it’s worth, I’d bet none of this is about actual disrespect for you, but instead is about Bob’s own insecurities. When someone makes a point of trying to seem more in the know than they are (and especially when it’s obvious to everyone around them that of course they’re not in the know, and they’re not expected to be), it’s usually because they feel anxious and in need of proving themselves. The irony, of course, is that this strategy does the opposite of what they intend.
But knowing that doesn’t make it any less annoying, and you 100 percent have the standing — and I’d argue, as his manager, the obligation — to tell him to stop.
I think, too, knowing you have the power to address this firmly should help with some of the irritation you’re feeling. In fact, it’s similar to the advice I give to managers who yell: There’s no need to yell when you’re the person who has all the power in the situation. Yelling comes from feeling helpless and not realizing their role as a manager comes with built-in tools to change the situation. I see some of that in your letter — you’re looking at your options as “say nothing” or “fire him,” and forgetting about the vast middle ground of “direct, authoritative conversation.” Start there!
Want to submit a question of your own? Send it to alison@askamanager.org.
The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.
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